Whose Voice is in Your Head?

Someone whose opinion mattered deeply to me once told me I would look much more “put together” and be taken more seriously if I wore more makeup and dyed my gray hairs.

It was a small comment. But it got very big in my head.

I spent far too much time thinking about it. Was I really not being taken seriously? Should I change something about myself?

The interesting part is that I actually like the way I look. I wear minimal makeup because I prefer a natural, yet polished look. And I frequently receive compliments about my salt-and-pepper hair. Yet one person’s perception was enough to make me question my own.

There’s a psychological concept called self-schema, the mental framework we use to understand ourselves. Other people’s feedback can become part of that framework, particularly when the person giving it is someone whose opinion carries weight.

That’s why not every comment deserves equal real estate in our minds. Some feedback is golden. Some is useful. Some challenges us in ways we need to hear.

And some feedback simply reflects someone else’s preferences, assumptions, or definition of what success or attractiveness should look like. The work is learning to tell the difference.

I didn’t dye my hair. And I didn’t start wearing more makeup. But I did learn something important about myself: I can hear someone’s opinion without automatically making it my own.

That distinction matters in the workplace, too.

A supervisor’s criticism. A colleague’s judgment. A missed promotion. A backhanded comment in a meeting.

These things can provide information about how others experience us, but they don’t automatically define our worth or capability.

So the next time someone’s opinion tries to take up residence in your head, ask yourself: Is this useful information, or am I borrowing someone else’s definition of who I should be?

Remember, YOU get to decide which voices become part of your inner dialogue.